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Apologies at School
By Lauren | February 3, 2008
A young friend (I’ll call her Anna) wrote recently to ask me for help with an apology she had to make at school. Anna has given me permission to tell her story here.
Anna got in trouble when a conversation with her teacher got a little too spirited and her teacher decided that she was being deliberately disruptive. Anna got detention, the rest of the class got in trouble, and Anna’s mother told her to write the teacher a letter of apology. (Smart move, Mom!)
Anna sent me her draft, and it was pretty good. She admitted that she had been wrong, expressed appreciation for her teacher’s efforts, and promised to do better in the future. To take the letter from pretty good to great, however, Anna had a little more work to do. Her draft apologized for “any” insult she might have offered to her teacher. I suggested that she just say straight out that she was sorry she had been rude. The “if” and “any” game that celebrities and politicians play really undercuts the effectiveness of an apology. Anna’s draft also observed that her classmates had been disruptive. She was probably right, but I recommended that she avoid making comments about her classmates so that her teacher wouldn’t think she was trying to shift the blame. Finally, Anna said she really should have apologized in front of the class; I recommended that she offer to do so. A private apology doesn’t always take the sting out of a public injury.
Note that I didn’t give Anna specific language to use. This was her apology, not mine. It was important for her teacher to get an apology that came from Anna in Anna’s own words, not from an outsider.
Anna wrote me back a day or two later with great news. Her teacher was convinced that Anna had been sincere, and accepted her apology. From Anna’s e-mail, it sounds as though she and her teacher are well on their way to a stronger relationship. Ultimately, that’s what effective apologies are all about.
Topics: Apologies, Personal Ethics |
February 12th, 2008 at 1:55 am
Excellent, excellent advice on how a young person can take responsibility for their actions and apologize in such a way as to not only repair and enhance a relationship, but become a more effective individual in the process. Of course, the same excellent advice in the article would apply to an adult, as well.
Congratulations,
Bob