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Do your children know how to apologize?
By Lauren | September 15, 2008
When I talk to interviewers about my book, The Art of the Apology, they frequently ask if it’s important for parents to teach their kids how to apologize when they’ve done something wrong. The answer boils down to two words: you bet. Apologizing is an essential social skill that kids need to learn if they’re going to function effectively in life. We all make mistakes –it’s just part of being human – but those mistakes can do lasting damage if no apology follows them. Teaching your children to apologize when they mess up helps them understand that relationships are important, that other people deserve respect, and that mistakes aren’t fatal if they’re properly handled.
Trouble is, a lot of parents don’t teach their children how to apologize very well. They tell their kids to “say you’re sorry” when they snatch a toy or mouth off to a teacher, and think it’s enough when the child mumbles a singsong “sorry” in reply. That approach teaches kids that apologies are nothing more than meaningless formalities to be dispensed with as quickly as possible and without much worry about their long-term effect. Not a good lesson at all.
If you want your child to know how to make an effective apology, take the time to explain why it’s important to really mean it when he or she says “I’m sorry,” and to take responsibility for what went wrong without lying or making excuses. Tell your child that it’s important to try to set things right after a mistake, perhaps by returning the toy or helping the teacher after class. Make sure the child knows that the other person needs to have their say as part of the apology, and to listen quietly without getting defensive. Finally, explain that the child should try not to keep making the mistake that led to the apology over and over again, because it’s harder for other people to forgive a mistake the tenth time it happens than it is the first.
In my experience, most kids want to do the right thing, and they really like knowing that mistakes can be fixed much of the time. Knowing how to apologize effectively helps children navigate the world. What better lesson can a parent teach?
Topics: Apologies, Personal Ethics, ethics |
October 10th, 2008 at 4:43 am
I completely concur with what you are saying, absolutely. I couldn’t help but think as I was reading, though, how very likely it is that most parents themselves do not understand the necessity, healing power, and even the full structure of a true apology. For instance, if any of my children commit an act that I judge is worthy of them apologizing for, I help them first understand not only WHAT they did that made it wrong, but also teach them introspection to find out some of the “whys” associated with their choice so they can perhaps avoid repeating the behavior when similar situations arise. Also, their apologies to their siblings or whoever they have offended must be more than just “sorry”; they have to say exactly what they are sorry for, and they have to ask that person’s forgiveness as well. Some might see me as way too picky, but you are right: it is so very vital for children to be able to judge themselves and their own actions and to know how to correct a situation when they (as I often put it) “break” their relationship with another person.
Anyway, just wanted to add my two cents.
Doug