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New York Times “Social Q’s” apology advice misses the mark
By Lauren | July 22, 2008
Yesterday, New York Times “Social Q’s” columnist Philip Galanes answered a query from an irritated hostess named “A.S. from Manhattan.” A.S. explained that, at a recent dinner party, one of her “dear friends” got a little tipsy, spilled red wine on A.S.’s new rug, and never acknowledged the gaffe. Not only did this friend fail to help with the mop-up effort, she never offered afterward to pay for cleaning the rug (which is now permanently stained) and never apologized.
Galanes cleverly twitted A.S. for serving red wine to tipsy guests in the first place (and for failing to mention any of the various techniques Heloise might have recommended to get the stain out before it set). He spoke about the importance of the “call-and-response of an apology.” He then suggested that A.S. tell her friend that she wished she had acknowledged the mishap. Galanes’ comments were clever but, in my view, not particularly helpful.
Dinner parties are accidents waiting to happen – combine expensive china, crystal and linens with alcohol of any sort and food drenched in bordelaise, hot fudge or what have you, and there are bound to be spills, stains and breakage. Nonetheless, it’s not the hostess’ responsibility to prevent her guests – who presumably are responsible adults – from inflicting damage. (I know one woman who solves this problem by serving almost every “company” meal on paper plates. Trust me, it’s not a pretty sight.) I can also understand why A.S. chose not to embarrass her friend by hauling out the soda water and salt the instant the wine hit the rug. And at this point the damage is done, so why linger on how it might have been prevented?
The real point here is that this guest now owes A.S. two apologies: one for damaging the rug, and a second for damaging their friendship by failing to apologize and make things right. I don’t agree with Galanes that an apology is simply a call-and-response of the “gosh I’m so sorry, let me help you mop it up” variety. It definitely would have been better for A.S.’s guest to have acknowledged the mess as soon as it happened, but she also should have offered to pay for having the rug cleaned, and she certainly should have apologized by now. If she doesn’t, how “dear” a friend is she?
A.S. said she’d feel petty about bringing the whole thing up to her friend, but there’s absolutely no reason she should. This isn’t about the cost of cleaning the carpet - it’s about whether her friend cares enough about A.S. to acknowledge her mistake, apologize for it, and make amends. It’s perfectly all right for A.S. to ask her friend for an apology, not because her carpet was stained but because her friend chose to blow the whole incident off. I agree with Galanes that A.S. needs to clear the air, but she also needs to be clear enough that her friend can’t fail to understand that it’s time to step up and sincerely apologize.
To read Galanes’ advice to “A.S. in Manhattan,” go to: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/20/fashion/20social.html?ex=1217304000&en=98d5657a5bdd2b9a&ei=5070&emc=eta1.
Topics: Apologies, Personal Ethics, ethics |
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Lauren,
Mistakes are inevitable where alcohol is involved, and I’ve certainly made my share of them personally.
But, as responsible adults we are all responsible for our own actions, and common courtesy would dictate that the friend in this case should make an apology and offer to make amends.
Given that this hasn’t been done, it is perfectly acceptable for A.S to ask her friend for an apology.
Cheers
Andrew