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So, what makes an apology “appropriate”?
By Lauren | May 1, 2008
As I’ve thought back on this week’s installment of Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth Webcast series, one aspect of their conversation with a particular viewer stuck in my mind. You may recall that the viewer in question was disappointed because, although she always apologized when she had done something wrong, she didn’t always receive “appropriate apologies” from people who had injured her.
Winfrey and Tolle were quick (and correct) to seize on the viewer’s use of the word “appropriate.” They pointed out that, by passing judgment on the “appropriateness” of the apologies she received, the viewer was taking a superior stance, letting her ego interfere. If she could simply accept the apologies she received without judging their “appropriateness,” this viewer might well be happier as well as more enlightened.
They were right on. As a practical matter, though, I’ve had enough experience with apologies to know that they don’t accomplish much unless they’re well-received. While you can’t control how someone will respond to an apology, there’s a lot you can do to develop and deliver an apology that is thoughtful, well-phrased, and complete. Do that, and it’s very probable that your apology will be accepted which, of course, is what apologies are all about.
My new book, The Art of the Apology: How to Apologize Effectively to Practically Anyone, is designed to help the reader prepare and deliver just such an apology. Personally, I’m a lot less worried about whether an apology is “appropriate” (whatever that means) than whether it mends fences, builds relationships, and promotes healing … in other words, is effective. If you’re about to make an apology to someone and you’re afraid that you’ll be judged harshly in the process, focus on making it as effective as possible. You’ll be glad you did.
Topics: Apologies |
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:13 am
[...] The Business Ethics Blog wrote an interesting post today on So, what makes an apology "appropriate"?Here’s a quick excerptAs I’ve thought back on this week’s installment of Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle’s… [...]