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When it comes to apologies, once isn’t always enough
By Lauren | December 2, 2008
Recently, one of my readers (let’s call her Beverly) asked for help resolving a conflict she’d had with a friend. Beverly had borrowed and lost a piece of costume jewelry that her friend particularly liked. Beverly apologized and replaced the piece with something similar, but her friend remained cool. Beverly is now a little miffed herself - after all, she apologized. What more did her friend expect?
What Beverly failed to recognize is that the effectiveness of an apology frequently depends not only on how it’s delivered, but how it’s received. Even when the person apologizing does everything right the first time (and it seemed as though Beverly had), it may take the other person a little time to get over the initial hard feelings. Beverly came perilously close to blowing her apology - and the friendship - by presuming that she was entitled to immediate forgiveness.
Fortunately, Beverly recognized her mistake. After a week or two she apologized to her friend again, and was careful to tell her friend how much she treasured their relationship. By then, her friend had taken the opportunity to think things over, and was ready to offer forgiveness. Beverly’s first apology wasn’t fully effective, but the second one was. Beverly’s situation demonstrates that, sometimes, it takes more than one apology to set things right.
Topics: Apologies |
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Lauren,
Generally speaking, I would have thought that one apology would be enough in most cases, particularly when it’s backed up by any appropriate action to attempt to make restitution.
But in the case you mentioned above, I could see why a follow up apology was appropriate.
What I would have cautioned against is allowing the person to hold it against you as a form of manipulation. In the end, some people just won’t let issues go, and can make you feel as though you are always in debt to the person.
So after one or perhaps two genuine apologies, I would just wait and see if you are forgiven over time.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Hi Andrew,
Great, as always, to hear from you! I agree that it’s wrong to allow the other person to manipulate you, just as it’s wrong to demand forgiveness the first time around. Like so many things in life, it’s a question of striking the right balance.
Lauren